Harbor Reminisces
by LavenderIceCream
Summary: Dazai visits Odasaku's grave and they talk about existentialism and angst. Which later piles on when Dazai spots Atsushi visiting the Headmaster's grave. Mostly conversational angst and Dazatsu tease near the end. Oneshot, mostly a drabble tbh.


Dazai laid back against the cold stone, staring blankly at the tree trunk before him. It was another sunny May day in Yokohama, one of those days that tastes a little like baby summer and sweet grass. He let his hand sweep into the soft grass at his side and it was warm. Distant sounds of cars and traffic melded into the spring breeze. Small sounds of people speaking and the wakening of life to the sun and sparrows were all almost blindingly happy. He glanced at the drying flowers in the graveyard below, how those smell so much sweeter when the living has forgotten but what do sweet flowers matter because when you're dead flowers don't matter, memories don't matter-

"Stop. What am I doing." Dazai held an arm up to his face, shielding it. "_He_ knew… more than anyone… how pointless this all is for the dead. So why am I still here. Why am I still so… "

"Why am I here."

_Odasaka, what should I do? I'm still empty and maybe this is my destiny… But I can't live like this much longer. Why does everything have to be pointless? Why can't someone just give me a reason to live, why can't I be fulfilled? What is wrong with me… _

_'Dazai, you're a dumbass.'_

_ Dazai opened his eyes. Odasaka stood before him, flat-expression and all. His arms were crossed and there were no hints of the fatal injuries that killed him._

_ 'Odasaka… This is a dream isn't it.'_

_ 'You're too smart to have someone tell you your reason to live. Idiot.'_

_ Dazai felt his eyebrows raise into a familiar smirk. 'I think that's a bit of an oxymoron, dream-Odasaka-kun.' The other man simply shook his head and sighed. Dazai continued. 'And I mean sure, if God or someone just told me what to be, I'd be down to follow. If it's truly God, that is.'_

'_You're an idiot and I'm going to tell you why.' Odasaka fixed a deadpan look onto the now fully grinning idiot before him. 'You're an idiot because you already have what fulfills you. And when you lose that thing, you're going to fall back into square one and fill yourself with self-pity and loneliness.'_

_Dazai's smile faded away. His expression grew bitter. 'What, you mean being 'good' and all? I'm sure someone like me wouldn't get _that_ sad over realizing that I'm just fake good.'_

_This time it was Odasaka who raised his eyebrows. 'Losing good… Does doing good really fulfill you that much?'_

_A jolt of anger shot through Dazai. He narrowed his eyes, his fists clenching at his side and his nails digging into his flesh. 'What are you getting it?' the ex-mafia member growled. He glowered at the calm Odasaka. 'Who do you think I've started being good for, bastard... '_

'_You have it so good, don't you. Getting to be dead and all. You don't have to worry about a goddamn thing, no high-risk mind games, no guilt hanging over you, no people relying on you or needing you. God, I wish I were dead like you. You have no idea how much I want to die, day in and day out, so I can finally be free of how meaningless, how stupid, how nauseous, this all is-'_

'_You don't want to be free of meaninglessness. You want to be free of fear,' Odasaka countered. Dazai froze._

'_You're afraid of losing them and having no one else to blame.'_

_Dazai stiffened, biting his lips. His eyes were slits. 'Shut up. They aren't-'_

'_You're afraid of letting them down. You're afraid that they made a mistake with trusting you with their lives. You're afraid of making the wrong move and letting them die. You're… also afraid of making the _right_ move… And having to let some of them die. So that others, so that more people, can live.'_

_Odasaka paused to take a breath before stopping, looking closer at the other man. Dazai was staring down at his feet, the anger long drained from his body and replaced with fatigue. His face was haunted and gaunt. Odasaka gave a small sigh and shook his head a little once more. _

'_Stop it,' Dazai grumbled when a solid hand came down on his head, ruffling the curls. But he made no attempt to move away and Odasaka made no attempt to stop. They stood like that for a long while. Dazai wondered distantly if you can fall asleep in a dream as he felt himself grow almost drowsy._

'_You're an idiot because you know all this,' Odasaka said softly. Dazai glanced upward as the hand stopped. He felt his heart drop as Odasaka began to fade slightly, the smallest smile in his gruff eyes._

'_Odasaka-kun!' Dazai yelled, his eyes wide._

'_Dazai… Don't wait until you lose something before fighting for it… '_

Dazai gasped and smacked his head on the gravestone. "Ow!" he yelped. He rolled onto the soft grass, before blinking. He sat up, staring out towards the Yokohama bay as the sun set slowly into the water, pooling into a puddle of fiery tangerine and red. The skyline above was already a pearly pink and violet, and neon lights were already sparkling from the city. The traffic was a little louder but not enough to be clear over the breeze. Dazai's eyes softened as he watched over the cemetery, how the last light of day shone over the stones and filling into the engravings of each name before passing over. The quiet shrubs and his own tree rustled in the salty breaths.

The man stood up when he spotted a familiar figure standing below the hill beside a gravestone. The figure carefully laid down a bouquet of lilies and hadn't noticed Dazai. The detective grinned mischievously as he crept closer to him and hid behind a shrub. He peered over and saw that the figure was mumbling something quietly. Dazai pricked his ears.

"-don't know why I'm here, to be honest. I don't… I can't forgive you. Not right now and I don't know… if I'll ever." Atsushi shuffled his feet and Dazai couldn't see his expression but could guess from the clenched fists.

"I wish you… Hadn't done… Or said… what you did. I… I don't, I think… I don't think I deserved that. Or anyone… " His voice trailed into silence. Dazai shivered as the wind became a little colder as the sun disappeared completely.

"Headmaster. Do you think… do you think that abuse is necessary to be good? Do you think people have to be hurt badly in order… to learn to be empathetic? Or was it just me… Am I too much of a monster already for you to have taught me without-"

"No." Before he knew it, Dazai felt his mouth speaking. "You don't need to validate someone's abuse. You have grown stronger… but also twisted and broken and hurt. It's not your fault, it is the abuser's fault."

Dazai stood up from the shrubs with a rare, sheepish look as Atsushi turned around, eyes flickering in surprise. "Dazai-san… Why are you… "

He nodded towards the hill. "I was meeting a friend." Atsushi nodded, lowering his eyes back down to the gravestone. Dazai followed his gaze. The lilies rippled in the breeze, the silky white petals shining in the last lights.

"Dazai-san… I can't let it go. Even though he's dead, he still haunts me," Atsushi whispered. The weretiger gripped his chest, right over where the burn scars remained.

"I know he… he meant well. He was afraid of me, he wanted to keep the orphanage safe, he, he, he-" Dazai felt his whole body sag as Atsushi's voice faded back into silence. The shadows were growing longer within the cemetery, and a boat out in the bay gave a long, mournful horn.

"Atsushi-kun. There's no need to ever forgive him, especially if you don't want to. And I'm sure… he knew what he was doing. And that you would hate him."

Atsushi looked away, his eyes downcast. "But what if he didn't? What if… what if he was hurt by what he did too? By having to raise… _me_?" he said softly. "I hate him, but he hated the weretiger. He was right to. And maybe he was right to put me in my place, to burn me like that."

"No." Atsushi glanced up at Dazai, who gazed back down with a bleak expression. "No. He… knew. Because I've been there. I've done that. I've abused…someone. Horribly. Like the way it was done to you."

"Akutagawa…" Atsushi's eyes widened in realization. Dazai closed his eyes before lowering his head.

"When you do the abusing… somewhere deep inside, I think you know. And it doesn't matter if you want to care for someone. You can be abusive and still… care. But it doesn't erase the pain or horror of what you've done. I'm sorry… about everything."

"You should tell Akutagawa that, not me." The words slipped out of Atsushi's mouth and Dazai winced. The weretiger gasped and quickly tried to take it back. "I-I mean, that was really harsh, well, um-"

"No, you're right. You're right, Atsushi-kun." Dazai straightened and looked out towards the darkened evening harbor. Atsushi watched him, the wind ruffling the ink-black curls. The detective's eyes were lightless, rolling deep into the past. "I have too much to atone for, don't I. Too many mistakes, too many crimes. Even if I lived forever, would it be enough?" He laughed hollowly. Atsushi felt his heart crack at the sound.

"Why am I afraid of losing people if that is what I deserve. After taking people away from others."

"But… you saved me. You saved me, Dazai-san." Dazai turned to Atsushi. The wind rippled through the platinum hair. The faint citylights were barely enough to see Atsushi other than his bright, violet-gold eyes. They locked onto Dazai's own eyes.

"You saved me, Dazai-san. You gave me a purpose, you gave me a light, you _gave_ people to me, and, and- You're everything to me! You deserve to feel happiness and no more loss!" Atsushi said fiercely. Dazai stared back, words stuck in the back of his throat.

"Oh wait… uh, I mean. Everything to, um, to the agency! Yes! The agency!" Atsushi's face grew hot as he began nervously waving his hands and backtracking. "Uh, um, we all appreciate you! So much! The agency, that is- I mean, of course _I_ do too but like the _agency_, everyone, yes! Not me specifically, I mean, I do too but like, um-"

Atsushi's stream of words stopped abruptly as Dazai leaned forward, knocking their foreheads gently to each other. Atsushi's eyes widened as his face grew hotter and hotter with each passing second.

"Atsushi-kun, mind repeating what you said?"

The tiger mumbled, "Um, the agency, we like you, a-appreciate-"

"Atsushi-kun, you're looking away. Look at me."

Atsushi nervously glanced upward for a second, his heart racing as he stared into Dazai's dark, onyx eyes boring into his. His heart stopped. Dazai's soft breath brushed over his own lips. A hand caressed his cheek, sending shivers jumping down his spine. Dazai's mouth opened and Atsushi felt his eyes flutter shut.

"You're. So. Bold~"

"Huh."

Dazai gave a gleeful little cackle as he moved away, leaving the tiger overheated and stunned. "Hee hee, well nooow, I guess since you've promised me my happiness, Atsushi-kun, it's your turn to pay for my dinner! It's dinner time!"

Atsushi felt a little dizzy as he followed the detective, who was currently dancing away and calling out for him to hurry up so they could eat ramen and chazuke for dinner. "Holy hell, I can't keep up," the weretiger muttered, shaking his head with a sigh as the two left the harbor together.


End file.
